Smile and Clam Up!
courtesy freedigitalphotos.net
The other day a girlfriend and I were talking about our kids–the grown ones! We were proud to share their accomplishments but we had a few suggestions for them, of course.
“She never listens to me,” said my friend, speaking about her daughter. She laughed. “I don’t understand it. I have such good advice.”
I smiled. I’d been down that street before till I realized I didn’t always take my parents’ advice either so why should my kids take mine?
Yet it’s hard to resist at least hinting at what they should do. But I don’t anymore–and I notice I’m actually happier when I live my own life and ‘let’ them live theirs!
This reminds me of a beautiful quote from my husband’s father when Charles was going off to college. “Stand on my shoulders, son,” he said as he clasped his boy/man before Charles boarded the train for this new adventure far from the streets of the hometown he’d known all his life up to that moment.
“Do the things you want to do. Live the life you want for yourself. If I could spare you the pain that will come, I would. But I can’t. We each have to live the life we’ve been given and make our own mark, our own mistakes. Just know that I love you and I’m rooting for you.”
Today that’s ‘advice’ worth taking. I’m thinking of those words as I watch my grandchildren off and running into their new adult lives and as I look back at the life I took up after leaving my parents’ home.
May God continue to lead and guide us all. We sure need it. And we especially need God’s advice, which we would be wise to take and keep.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).
courtesy freedigitalphotos.netA
So true, Karen – for children and also for friends! I love the picture of Charles’ father holding him and saying “Stand on my shoulders.” Priceless!
Thank you, Carol. I agree. Charles had a very wise father.
Thank you, dear friend. I really needed to hear this right now. My kids won’t know this, but they thank you too!
I’m smiling at your comment, Kristi. Thanks for letting us know you’re in sync with the rest of us moms. 🙂
I love how you include so many wonderful anecdotes of Charles’ in your stories lately. Thank you for inviting us to share in the richness of his words that peek out at us from time to time — and warm the hearts of those who, like me, love and miss him. This is a timely message, indeed!
Actually, the words were from his Dad, not Charles, but Charles referred to them often throughout his life and often sought his dad’s wisdom while he was still with us.
Love this! Thank you, Karen.
Thanks, Heidi.
Thank you so much Karen for your beautiful article. The wisdom of Charles’ father was so touching. I love how you said that you are so much happier since you stopped giving advice. It meant a lot to me that you said you are living your life and allowing them to live theirs. That is real freedom. Most of all asking the Lord if we are supposed to give advice or just be silent is a blessing.
Thanks for your thoughts, Sandy.
Thanks, Karen! I love it! You made me do some deep thinking and I honestly do not remember my parents telling me a LOT to do but I am sure they did! Dad kept me straight by giving me choices like this one: When I was a senior in High School a boy that I really did like asked me to go to the wrestling match which was on a Wednesday night, so I asked Dad if I could go. (Yes, I asked my parents if I could go out even when I was 19-did not ‘announce’ I was going somewhere-smile)
Dad was a minister and simply said:”well, you know Wednesday is Prayer meeting night but if you would rather go to the wrestling match than to prayer meeting it is okay”. I didn’t go because I did not want Dad to think I would prefer wrestling matches over prayer meetings! My friend asked me to go the next week, same situation and I did not go. The third time I was asked I told Dad that Wednesday night was the only night they had the matches so I told him I would go. Dad simply said: “that’s fine”. Guess what? I hated those wrestling matches and do not like them to this day! HA! I have some beautiful memories of Dad’s wisdom in knowing how to “make me behave” ! I could not hurt my Dad! I feel so blessed to have had parents like I had. I had to tell Tanya ‘not’ to do a lot of things, HA, but I did try to be tackful!> When our children are grown it is different as they, as couples, do things a lot different than we did-more wasteful with water, for instance. I was eleven years old before we had indoor plumbing so I believe in being careful how long I let the faucet run while brushing teeth! HA
I definitely keep my mouth shut and enjoy my daughter and son-in-law and they spoil me~~~~and I let them. Living with them since I could not live alone (after I was 84) has been a real blessing and I am so thankful we “let each other” live our own life.
Love to you. Margaret
Thanks, Margaret, for giving us a glimpse into your life as a teen and now as an older adult and how you ‘live and let live’–an example for us all as we age.
Thanks for these wise words Karen. I especially liked the quote, “If I could spare you the pain that will come, I would. But I can’t. ” So true. I need to put the adults in my life in God’s loving hands. The guideline I try to follow is to not give advice unless asked.
I agree, Pam. No advice unless solicited. My kids and I are a lot happier that way!! Sometimes I even ask their advice. They love that.
Great advice, Karen! I’m learning this with my adult children. It’s so hard to keep quiet when you want to help them out. Someone else also told me that it’s wise to say, “I know you’ll figure it out.” I think it will be easier for me to do this when they move out! lol
I agree, Sherry. When they are under your watchful eye, it’s hard to resist ‘helping.’ When they live on their own you don’t see as much, but sometimes that’s when they come back to Mom and Dad and ask for a bit of wisdom.
Funny and how timely. I was talking on the phone to my daughter this morning andshe was telling me her travel plans. Well, of course, I was trying to “advise” her that she should extend her stay. Now, I realize that it is her life, her travel plans, and I should just be happy that she’s going and sharing with me!
Thanks for sharing your recent experience, Roz. We will be mothers after all and so we do stick our nose in once in awhile but then we remember, as you did, and just smile and encourage and be grateful that we have our wonderful children who still share with us.