“Christmas Alone” by Charles Flowers
This month I’m going to post some Christmas-related items that I rediscovered in my files, a couple you may have seen before, and a couple new ones.
Today I’m posting an essay that my deceased husband Charles wrote in 2010. It’s never been published so I decided to ‘publish’ it here. I hope you enjoy it as I have. I miss you Charles and love you still.
I asked myself, “Which Christmas was the most meaningful to me?” Then I realized it was the Christmas when I was alone—for the first time.
It was December 1973. Earlier that year I had traveled from the East Coast to California. I’d left my home and family on Long Island for a woman I thought I wanted a future with. Apparently she had other ideas, even though it was she who offered the invitation—and she who dumped me months after I arrived.
I’ve spent a lot of years condemning myself over those actions. But the real turn-around started where the truth usually starts—at the bottom.
About mid-afternoon in Los Angeles, on Christmas Eve that year I was headed home from work. I’d hosted my departmental managers to a lunch, a bit of alcohol, and a whole bunch of silly banter. They were my office friends, my only friends, and in a sense, at the moment, all the family I had.
At this juncture of my life I didn’t do anything but work. I was a full on work-alcoholic and very close to becoming a full-on alcoholic. I put myself, along with my pain, to bed every night with a glass jammed full of ice, and scotch or vodka poured to the brim, and some nonsense book. Along with my work and alcohol addictions I had become addicted to this woman—who by then was out of my life.
Later as I sat in my shabby one–bedroom apartment, a far cry from my home out on Long Island, remorse consumed me. I was in that in-between place, not here, not there, not anywhere. I no longer had a home, a family surrounding me, people who loved me whom I could hug and hang onto. But far more, and just as important, I didn’t have myself.
I slumped onto one of the worn sofas of my “furnished” apartment, tired of myself, tired of life. I was so out of touch I couldn’t even say I was lonely for that woman. But surprisingly I wasn’t angry with her. I was angry with myself. Really angry! It always came out that way. I wasn’t enough. I’d never been enough.
Now I’d hit bottom … or close to it.
The gray December afternoon settled in. It matched perfectly what was going on inside me. My dis-ease and loneliness spread into my deepest parts.
I started to see that I was there by my choice, by my decision, even if I had unconsciously caused it. I was grateful that I was at a point to start moving toward the most important thing in my life–finding myself.
As the late afternoon light faded into the gloom of a California early winter’s evening, I was coming to the end of a long retreat, and in some small way the beginning of my recovery from a lifetime of allowing life (or my attitude toward it) to squeeze me dry.
At that moment I realized that all I had, would ever have, was the person I am. There was a little something of the real ‘me’ left. What I didn’t know then was the Lord was with me. The woman may have deserted me, and I may have deserted myself, but God hadn’t.
Suddenly I got my tired butt off that tired sofa, pulled on a jacket, and got into my Fiat Spider. At Sears I found a tree, lights, garland, glass balls, candles … all the Christmas stuff I could carry, and fit into my little car.
Three hours later I celebrated my first Christmas alone. The apartment was no longer shabby. It was “bright.” Perhaps not so “merry” as I would have liked it, but it was one step, along with many I’d have to take, toward the happiness I now have. Indeed I’d given something to myself, but far more, to anyone who would share life with me … wife, children, friends, work associates … even those I would unknowingly pass by.
I had started being … me.
“My purpose is to give you life in all its fullness.” (John 10:10)
I had no idea Charles was such a gifted writer!
He was gifted in so many ways but he never took the risk of submitting his writing.
Powerful.
Thank you, Barb. I found it powerful too.
Thanks so much for printing that essay by Charles. It made my day!
Thank you, Nancy. I had a feeling you’d love to read it.
Thank you for “publishing” Charles’ essay- God used it to speak many things into my heart. It really is a very deep and profound essay about life, God and being our authentic selves. I hope you have a blessed Christmas Karen.
Thank you, Angela. I appreciate your dear comment. I hope you have a blessed Christmas, as well.
Ah, Karen, this is so meaningful. To read Charles’ reflections on his most meaningful Christmas, the one that started a change in his life and focus, is precious. Thank you for sharing his writing. He was (along with you) a precious friend. We miss him still!
Thanks, Carol. Charles loved you and Don and he’d be thrilled to know you still miss him and appreciate his reflections.
What a beautiful story of redemption. I am so glad you published it. It give us all hope for those we know who are struggling with self doubt and addictions. There is always hope when one turns to the Lord. God bless the memory of that dear man. God bless you for being a part of who he became. Isn’t God good. 🙂
Thank you, Etta Mae. I appreciate your warm and thoughtful response.
Beautiful, Karen. Charles was so brave and you too to share his Christmas story from so very long ago. Thank God that you came into his life after that and you both shared SO much love and growth together. God is good and we certainly are blessed. I wish you and all your faithful readers and families a very Joyous Christmas 🎄 ❤️
Thank you, Kathleen. I agree it’s a story of change and growth and I benefited from the redemption that occurred in Charles before I even met him.
This is so wonderful, Karen, and I am so thankful for your sharing it with us. He wrote this just two years before he and my husband met each other. My husband was on a business trip in New York and our neighbor and friend, Fontain Banks asked my husband to get in touch with Charles, who was a college friend of Fontain’s. John, my husband, met Charles at a very nice restaurant. They soon discovered they had both lived in Paducah. After sharing about things they knew about Paducah Charles asked John if he by any chance ever knew anyone named Margaret Lax? My husband sort of thought for a moment as if he was not sure and finally said,” Yes, Charles, I did. In fact, when I am at home I sleep with her every night!” According to John, Charles jumped out of his chair, started running all over the place talking to the waiters and saying, “he is married to one of my best friends!” He was so excited. Of course I was stunned when John got home and told me who he had met. A short time after that John asked me for a divorce. We received a letter from Charles and I did not want to let him know we were getting a divorce but thought it was not fair to Charles to keep this a secret. (YES,there is a point in telling all of this!) I wrote to Charles and told him everything. He wrote me the most comforting letter I guess I had ever received and he listed all of the steps I would have to go thru with under the circumstances. Of course I did not know what He had been thru, but now since you shared his writing with us I know part of it. He was correct when he listed the steps I would have to face. He had been alone too and he was a great source of encouragement to me. Just like old times: we were ‘best friends’ again! I was so happy when he met you and you were in Frankfort when I met you. The rest is history! I still miss him too!
I have wondered if Charles ever got his book about Paducah published? He emailed me each chapter he had written and I really did like it but never knew if he did get it published?
Thank you, Karen, for sharing. I think it was a great idea!
Love to you, Margaret
Margaret, what a fabulous true story. No, Charles never got his book published. He was still working on it during the year he died. In the end he saw it as a book for his own growth and enjoyment. He was not one to do what needs to be done to break into professional publishing. He enjoyed writing just as it came out of him.
Beautiful writing by Charles. I am so blessed to have known him though your and our short visits. What a powerful story, what a wonderful man. Thank you Karen. Love you!💜
Thanks, Sheryl. How nice of you to take time to read Charles’s story. He enjoyed our short visits with you and Ed and also thought it was very ‘cool’ that he and Ed were from Paducah.
Karen thank you so very much for publishing Charles’ moving article. I am so thankful that I had an opportunity to stay with you and Charles several years ago. Those moments are very precious to me. It makes me very happy that you published his writing because it hit right to the center of my being.I know many will be moved by his insights and honesty. Love you Karen.
Thanks, Sandy. Charles would have been so happy to read all these wonderful comments about his writing from rags to the riches of heaven.
Wow. Wonderful to read and thanks for sharing it. He really expressed himself well. Too bad he never shared it himself. Missing you and hope you are doing well. XO Sue
Hi Sue. Many thanks for dropping by and reading Charles’s story. I’m so glad to hear it has touched so many people.
Such a heartfelt, honest message. It made me realize how much I, too, miss Charles. Thanks for sharing it with us, Karen.
Thank you, Glenda. You know how precious you and your kids were to Charles and continue to be to me. I love knowing you miss him too.
Karen, Thank you so much for Charles’ essay. As I read it, I heard his voice delivering the story with his inimitable style of story-telling. So wonderful to hear and feel him again. What a wonderful man, full of wisdom that you were blessed to call your husband. Thanks for the sweet memories. love, Heidi
Thank you, Heidi, for sharing this memory with me.
Wow! What a special man Charles was, and still is in our hearts.
Hi Sherry. Thanks for reading Charles’s essay. It says a lot about the man he was and the one he became.
What a vulnerable, tender story, Karen. Thank you for sharing it!
Thank you, Janet. I appreciate your reading and commenting on my honey’s writing.
It’s beautiful!
Thank you, Nancy. I appreciate your dropping by to read and comment.
a very touching story, Karen.
Thank you for reading it and commenting, Mary. I know Charles would appreciate knowing that.