Alone or Lonely?
Charles’ rosebush in my yard
Over the weekend I spent some time in my yard pruning roses and picking weeds. I’m not much of a gardener. I only really enjoyed it when my husband Charles was alive. He was the supreme rose keeper among other things. It was fun to work together. Now that he’s gone to a higher garden I’m in charge here, although I have a gardener for mowing and trimming. It’s not fun for me anymore but I do what I have to do!
I thought about why I’m feeling so lethargic about something I used to enjoy–at least when I had a partner to share the tasks with. We would chat as we did our work and then enjoy a lunch outdoors and a tall cold drink of tea or juice.
What is with me? Am I feeling alone and that’s the problem or am I okay with living alone but at the same time feeling lonely? I believe it’s a bit of both. As the dictionary says, ‘alone’ means having no one else present. And ‘lonely’ means being sad because of being without company.
The first word (alone) is a fact. I am a widow and I live alone. I don’t feel any emotion around that one. But the second (lonely) can fire me up. That’s it. I’m feeling ‘sad’ about not having company on a daily basis. So the combination of being alone and lonely gets to me sometimes.
Then I asked myself that question that requires taking personal responsibility for my condition. “What can you do about it? You’re not a victim. You could have a roommate, or rent out a room or take in a foreign student or . . .”
The answer came quickly. “I don’t want to take any of those actions. I actually like living alone. I get to call the shots about meals and sleep and TV and books and on and on. But living alone seems to include times of loneliness–a condition that I can fix by simply picking up my phone and calling or texting a friend (of which I have many) to meet me for a walk or a movie or lunch or a concert or any one of hundreds of options.”
So I did that–on the spot. I now have a lineup of walks for the week, a movie next weekend with lunch afterwards, a summer concert nearby and a pedicure and haircut scheduled so I’ll look my best.
Reality: I live alone and I’ve chosen to do so. No one put that on me.
Reality: Sometimes I feel lonely–a condition I can fix by simply reaching out and admitting my need to be with people I enjoy and who enjoy me.
Wow! I’m feeling better already.
How about you? Do you have a story to share if you ever face being alone and/or lonely? Let’s support one another in taking charge of our lives as we live them.
O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. (Psalm 38:9)
Yes, I so relate to this post! As a writer, I am alone much of the time. I work best in silence. But the silence gets to me after awhile and I need people. Last week, my husband was away on a men’s surf trip. Like you, I scheduled a week’s worth of coffee dates and walks (you, included!) to keep me company. It helped tremendously! There’s no substitute for time spent with the people you care about.
Thanks, Sherry. I’m glad I’m one of the people in your life and that you’re one in my life who can help one another to manage our aloneness and loneliness at times.
I’ll be getting a new dog soon. I’ve felt lonely since my last one was put to sleep in April. Animals love us and keep us company.
Wonderful news, Janet. I have another widow friend whose little pup is filling a need in her life.
Great reflection, Karen. No disrespect to Dick, but I can even feel lonely and my husband is still here! I feel lonely for those who have gone before. I totally get this and love your solutions. I get to see you tonight! What great joy our friends provide just to be together and laugh and love. You are a treasure I choose today. love, Heidi
PS Your roses look lovely. I know Charles was the “Garden King,” but you are doing a great job!
Thank you, dear Heidi. I agree that our good friends–especially when we are healing our hearts and habits with the support of one another–can change lonely feelings to ones of comfort and love. You are certainly one who is very special to me and to so many others.
Thanks Karen for sharing this. As I begin my “empty nest” life, I have struggled with “alone” and “lonely”. This helps keep it all in perspective and reminds me to step out!
You are so welcome, Patti. I’m happy to know my experience is helpful in your time of transition.
I am so glad you explained the difference between ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’.
When I was divorced after 27 years thinking I had a great marriage I began Journaling. During the past few years while writing the book about my life I have read my journals from that time period and found that my writings were words of pouring out my heart to God telling him how bad I was hurting as if He didn’t already know. (Yes, I wrote those words to God.) I was lonely, however I never felt “alone” . Eight years later I was fortunate to have 18 wonderful years with an awesome husband and now he is not with me. I miss him something “fierce”. Lonely ?? Goodness YES,especially now with physical problems that keep me from being able to “get out and go” but I can honesly say that if I start to feel ‘alone’ all I have to do is say:”okay, God, you and I can walk without falling” and ‘we’ do! Love and blessings always, Margaret
A quote from a friend: Life is hard but it is good’
As always, Margaret, your experiences are so encouraging to me–and to all my readers. Thank you for reminding us that we are never really alone when we have God.
I can so relate to this post, dear Karen, as you know. I’ve often thought about the difference between those two words, alone and lonely, and my conclusions have been similar to yours. I don’t know how singles walk this path without our Lord. I’d hate to think how hard my life would be without his presence, since, humanly speaking, it is challenging enough, with times of acute loneliness. But he is ever faithful to comfort me and give me continued hope for his promised new days.
Love you, dear friend! I wish we lived closer so we could do things together. 🙂 Hugs!
Thanks so much, Judy. It’s a real treat to hear from you since we both share a similar path in our singleness. I wish we lived closer too. I count you a dear friend.
Wonderful blog Karen. You are so wise to choose your own timing and space! Sharing with others at times is replenishing but constant company can be draining as you know! You are always welcome with Don and me as you know so call and visit any time. We look forward to time with you at beach house soon. Here is a big hug in the meantime!🤗❤️😘🕉🙏🏻🌟❤️. You are loved……………….
Thanks, as always, Kathleen for being so supportive and welcoming. I look forward to our visit at the beach house before long.
Thanks, Karen, for your very perceptive and helpful observations about being alone and being lonely! I enjoyed reading them.
Hi Nancy. Many thanks for your encouraging comment. I’ve been thinking of you and hope you are doing well.
Your Blog came just when I was pondering loneliness and being alone. Jack entered heaven one year ago after 54 years of very precious togetherness and active challenging team work. I am just beginning to feel like a whole person, most of the time. Jesus is more intimately close which is wonderful! Our five children and ten grandchildren bring a lot of fun and joy. Our home was always filled to overflowing with big and little people. The aloneness can be overwhelming but at times quiet can feel good. I wish we lived close like your friends who responded. I would love to spend time with you. Thank you for sharing your heart and experience.
Thank you, Karen. I love hearing all this positive news. God is so faithful. We are never really alone.