Thinking of My Mother
Mom (R) Aunt Madeline (L) me at age five
As I went for a walk last week my mother’s beautiful face over the years kept coming to mind. She died in 2003 so it’s been a long time since we were together in person. She had dementia in her final years, lost to me even before her death. I want to cry about it now, but I don’t seem to have any tears left.
I remember Mom saying that to me in her late years. “I’ve cried and cried over so many things,” she said, her blue eyes clouded with sadness, “I just don’t have any more tears.”
Now that I am close to the age when she passed, I’m thinking about her many sufferings. Mom lost her mother when Mom was just 18. Then she had to step up and manage the house for her dad, younger sister, and two brothers.
She lived by a strict religious code that suppressed her thoughts and feelings and kept her from freely expressing the talents she had. My dad, whom she loved (and he adored her) was difficult to live with. He was an adult child of an alcoholic in a family of 13 children with a mother who was ill his entire childhood so the effects of that early life played out during their marriage and our family life.
She took in family members who needed a place to stay, including her father who lived with us for 25 years. She served the church, became my Girl Scout leader, and put up with my father’s long work hours and his requirements that we all come to the dinner table freshly bathed and dressed well (even though he often didn’t make it home on time to join us).
We always had plenty–food, clothing, shelter, a car and summer vacations but I often felt my mother’s tension as she navigated being a wife, a mother, a daughter, and an obedient servant to God as the church defined God.
She had a mental breakdown when I was eighteen, so like her at that age, I too, had to step up for our family until she returned from the hospital after six weeks of shock treatments.
Mom took up golf at age 40 and loved it. Her smile returned and she enjoyed sharing stories about her golfing friends and her unpredictable scores!
By the end, before she broke a hip and started to decline mentally, she told me she’d had enough of life, of everything. She was worn out. She didn’t know what to think, what to believe, what to do––but simply let things be.
Wow! When I think of that now I realize she had arrived at the very place where perhaps we all want to land–letting things be as they are, trusting God and welcoming God’s hand when God opens the gates of Paradise and ushers in faithful servants whose suffering will be no more.
I miss you, Mom, and I thank you for all that you poured into me even though I didn’t always appreciate it at the time.
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Do you have a ‘mom memory’ story? Please share if you’re willing.
I loved reading this about Grammy and am thinking about how loving and supportive my mom is no matter what! And for those that don’t know, my mom is none other than Karen O’Connor! 🙂 I love you mom.
Jim, I’ve known Karen for years. Although we weren’t together too often, it was always a time of great joy for me because she is so authentic. I think that’s the word that describes her best. I recall that I shared with her on one occasion that I was considering retiring (from my own writing life). She immediately went into a very comforting litany of the way that she and Charles managed that transition, including the sources of income. Her answer was just so re-assuring and comfortable to hear because it was the right amount of detail that I needed. You are indeed a fortunate son! Carolyn
Thank you Carolyn, such nice words! 🙂
Thanks for these beautiful words, Carolyn. When I see your name I think of so many delightful times we spent together sharing our love of writing.
Thanks so much, Jim. I love what you shared. And I love you. ❤️
Same! 🙂
Lovey you, dear Julie.
Wow! The things mothers go through sometimes we’ll never know we only think of them as strong taking care of everyone being spread in a hundred different directions. We need to stop and thank our moms and cater to them sometimes and be there so they could lean on us! Appreciate them love them take care of them just like they took care of us and so many others!
I totally agree. Thanks for this lovely reminder.
The sweet memories come to me in spurts and I cherish each of them,
like our tea parties and trips to the book store to just hang out and have a Chia tea together.
But today, at this very moment, I just can’t seem to get past the feeling of loss.
So sorry for your loss too Karen. Thanks for sharing your memories.
From my heart, BRC
Thanks, Beth. I know your loss is recent. Bless you.
Your blog about your mother was very touching. I have been thinking about the suffering my mother endured in her life too. She came from a very poor family and her father was a difficult alcoholic. She was a mother figure to her 3 younger siblings. She was a christian early in her life and was a full time teacher at 18. At 25 she married my father who was also a teacher and within 5 years of marriage they moved away from all of their family and settled in the big city of Toronto Canada where they knew no one. Within a few years, my father became an alcoholic who was prone to violence until I was 21. Her loneliness and sadness caused her to become withdrawn and later mentally ill. She became legally blind at 45 and lost her driver’s license. She was so upset to lose her ability to drive and her independence. A few years late,r my father, now sober, left her for a younger woman. She was heartbroken and became more unstable. She took refuge at our family cottage which became her home and loved to garden there. She remarried an older man who died 6 years later. I tried desperately to show her love, however, I had to separate myself from her many times due to her bizarre behaviour. She is currently in a nursing home with advanced altzeimer’s disease. I haven’t been able to see her since the Covid 19 outbreak. At times I have felt a lot of anger at her bizarre behaviour but mainly I feel deep sorrow for her suffering. I am looking forward to having a good relationship with her in heaven.
How touching, Angela. May you both rekindle your love and care for each other in God’s perfect timing.
Did this ever so resonate with me — Thank you for sharing! Now that I am about to become Gigi I am even more acutely aware of the precious moments I shared with my Mom. Beyond special. A gorgeous reminder today, Karen! Thank you! <3
Thank you, Carolyn. It’s so special to hear about your mom.
Beautiful, Karen,
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story.My Dad was a Minister and she was the best “help mate” I think a man could have. She would help Dad when he needed help with anything and not complain. I was the youngest of seven and I never heard any of my siblings complain about anything connected with Mom. She was a wonderful seamstress and we were very poor and could not afford the “store bought dresses” so she made my dresses. There was a beautiful dress in one of the dress shop windows in Paducah that I loved so Mother took a pad and pen stood on the sidewalk drew the dress, then bought the material and made it for me.It was black velvet and had white lace trim. I wore it at graduation time. I never heard her get really anger but one time when one of the women in the church was apparently saying that “Preachers kids were the meanest in town” ha! She was not referring to our family because I was the only one living at home all the rest were married and living in their own home and I was a senior in high school. My Mom’s reply to this: “If the preacher’s kids are the meanest in town it is because they have to play with the layman’s kids”. Thanks Mom! Thank you , Karen. Love you, margaret
What a great personal story, Margaret. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.
That dress! I can only imagine the skill it took to draw and then sew it! Wow. Also: that zinger is amazing.
Oh! My! Karen. Those of us who are graciously aging and had parents live through the Depression and war years are SO fortunate that we have been gifted with such acceptance of change, independence, insight and loving presence through our faith and choices in life! Our mothers worked so very hard and had to be so subservient…… we are blessed with so many freedoms they never even dreamed of. My Mum transitioned in 2001 at 91 after coming to visit with me from Australia in 1994 ….. and had to stay with me as her caregiver …….. even though she ended up in a Nursing Home close by for 6 years due to a fractured femur and probably many small brain bleeds and dementia/ Alzheimer’s!! I think of her very often and chuckle at some of her stories! One that I shared today with family was when she went into the bank when she was widowed and she thought that all the clerks knew her and knew how much money she had in her accounts. Bless her. That went on for years and fortunately the bank clerks were very supportive. My father did all the financial tasks in our family and she did not even know how to write a check when he passed! Very sad but true. Mum was a very fine woman, good fun, very loving to all …. and an expert cook and baker who shared what we had when any neighbor or trades person had a need or stopped by for a visit or delivery!! She and I loved each other so very much. I was very fortunate indeed to have my Scottish mother in my N.Ireland home. Thank you for giving us this opportunity to share about our dear Moms.
Thanks, Kathleen. I’m so touched by your experience and love shared with your dear mom. What lovely memories you have.
What a precious story of your mother’s love and impact in your life. And, like her, you had to take a leadership role within your family at age 18, not an easy task! I love the photo with you at 5, your mother and aunt.
One of my more recent memories of my dear mother is that, when I would tell her Don and I would soon take a trip for a week or two, she never begrudged that or made me feel guilty for leaving her behind. Instead, she would smile and say “I’m so glad you can do that!” What a blessing!
I remember your mom well, Carol. She was the definition of a true lady and an inspiring Christian.
Dear Karen,
I am so very thankful for your positive impact in my life, and for the deep healing I have experienced because of us working together on my memoir of my whole life of 72 years for my three daughters. It took one year of digging deep into my heart and my mind to create this. There were many tears and many times we laughed at the funny stories. Yesterday I painted a free flowing design of flower and hearts on two rocks. One was in honor of my mom and the other was in honor of my dad. I cried when I think they both passed away in July of 2017 within three days of each other. My mom on Feb. 26th would have been 91 and my dad on March 16th would have been 99. I lifted each of my parents up to the Lord and felt more peace. Thank you for your heart-felt writing and for being such an amazing friend, prayer partner, editor and mentor. I love you.
Sandy
Thank you, Sandy, for sharing this lovely testimony to your dear parents. I know how much they meant to you and your family.
Thank You Karen for that heartwarming message. Both parents grew up during the depression. As I look back, I now understand some of my mother’s attitude about life. My sister and I were loved and we did have some good times. Camping in the Hi Sierras brings back fond memories. She did have a temper which wasn’t very pleasant to experience. But my sister and I agreed that she did the best that she could.
I do miss her even tho she was not the easiest person to be with sometimes.
Karen somehow my message came across as anonymous. It’s the one about camping.
Thanks for letting me know, Joan, that your post did not show with your name. Now I know that what you shared is from you. I appreciate your memory of your mom.
Reading you experience and some of the experience of others, reminds me again of how blessed I was to have the mother I was given.
I could write a book about her but here is just a few things that come to mind.
Mother did all the things that you would expect of a “good” mother including making our dresses and teaching us about the value of books and good manners. She was not a “cuddling” mother but we never doubted her love. The most important thing about her was she taught her children from the earliest age that Jesus loved us. Prayed with us, taught us bible stories and took us to Christian Camps. Kept us involved in church activities. Her life was not always easy but she encouraged us to follow the Lord no matter what the circumstances of life and never lose faith in the Goodness of God. In her last years she had dementia and even then she did not forget her faith in Jesus. God bless my Christian mother.
What a beautiful mom you had, Etta Mae. This is a lovely account of your memory of your sweet mom.
In tears here. I loved Grammy and saw in her such a fire! I still have the poem she wrote when I was born. I miss her quick wit, her flawless sense of fashion, her cozy breakfast nook, and her delighted laugh when the grandchildren did anything adorable. I have her picture and Bapa’s on my wall and I greet them every morning.
I love this tribute: so honest and heartfelt.
xo Julie
Thanks for sharing these memories of my mom–your dear Grammy. It is so sweet to picture these scenes in my mind.
I feel like I am pulling and fighting with all my might to keep my adult daughter from sinking into quicksand. For 10 years now. I’m 63 and starting to lose the strength to keep pulling and wish I could be done. But it’s what mothers do. Sure hope I can see her reach safety before I die.
Thank you for sharing this, Kristi. I can tell you are feeling the stress. It’s tough sometimes being a mom.