Letting Go
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As we get older we often cling to familiar patterns, ways of being with people and beliefs we’ve stood by for years. They’re comfortable so why question or change them? A friend said recently that his neighbor Greg is: “Darn near perfect. We think alike and enjoy the same things and see the world of sports and politics in the same way.”
Yep! It’s easy to be friends with the beautiful people—the loving ones, those who are fun to be with, men and women who agree with us, who believe as we do, and who share similar values. But what about the friendless, the odd person, the misfit, the downtrodden? Those who are deeply needy, hurt, persecuted, unlikable, difficult—even mean-spirited? There’s the challenge. It is so much easier to donate money or goods, but we’re also called to love the unlovable, to befriend them, to be the light in their dark and impoverished lives.
I had such an opportunity when I met Vivian, a woman in her mid-fifties. She was a relapsing alcoholic with no husband, children, or job. She lived on food stamps, Social Security checks, and the kindness of others. We reached out to each other at a church meeting and developed a friendship unlike any I had known. She would come and go in my life, moving from one place to another, dropping me an e-mail when she had access to a computer or leaving a voice mail when she’d paid her phone bill. We met for coffee and prayer here and there, and I helped her in small ways when I could. I haven’t known anyone in my life quite like Vivian. She taught me that simply being present to another human being is sometimes the best gift of all.
I couldn’t keep Vivian from drinking again or from making unwise choices over and over. I couldn’t bail her out of difficulties or meet her many needs. But I could love her and care about her and pray for her. It’s all I had to give, but I found it was enough. It was what she most needed.
Then one day Vivian suddenly disappeared and I never heard from her again. I wondered about her for some time after that but then gradually let her go. As the saying goes in Alcoholics Anonymous: “I didn’t cause it (her drinking); I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.”
There are so many Vivians in the world–women and men of every age and ethnicity. I will only meet a few and I can’t befriend them all. But I want to be open to offering whomever I meet the grace and respect they deserve. And a prayer for peace to overtake them so they can rest in the love of God, the one who can help them break through.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12, NIV).
Wonderful post Mom, love you. 🙂
Thanks, Jim. Eager for our visit next weekend.
What an inspiring message, Karen! Thanks for that.
You are so welcome, Nancy. I hope you are doing well.
Oh my does this bring back memories! There was a girl in my class in highschool that looked really poor and no one seemed to want to get close to her. I felt sorry for her and made it a point to talk with her. We soon became friends at school and I knew it made some of the more wealthy girls stay away from me but I did not care. I learned her Dad was unkind to her and her mother was not well. I invited her to stop at my house on her way home ( we lived within walking distance from school) one afternoon and she stayed for a brief time and then I went to her house one afternoon. Her mother was not friendly but seemed to not know what to say to me. We taked a while and then I went home. Later she told me her Dad did not want her to have company. I remained her friend at school and then my Dad was appointed to a church in Paducah, Ky. so we moved from Murray in my senior year. I did not know what had become of my friend. Several years later after I was married I was in Paducah shopping and was standing on a corner waiting for the traffic light to change and I heard someone say : ” Margaret?” I looked around and saw Dorothy! She looked terrible like a -what we called a “Bag lady” . I said: “Dorothy?” and she said ‘yes’ so I grabbed her and gave her a big hug. She looked at me and tears were rolling down her face. She said she did not think I would remember her. Of course I told her I would never forget her! She said she would never forget me as I was the only friend she ever had. It broke my heart! She was waiting for the city bus that just arrived and got on it and I never saw her again. My daughter and I have checked on the “obits’ to see if she has died but we have never been able to find her. I have a feeling she was homeless. I wished she had not gotten on the bus and I could find out more about her but it was too late. I have thought of her all of these years and just glad that I reached out to her. It still hurts when I think of her.
Thanks for sharing your story, Karen. Love to you, Margaret
What a beautiful personal experience, Margaret. Thank you for sharing it. Your friendship with Dorothy at a crucial time was a priceless gift.
Great reminder, Karen, to “look deeper” in our interactions. Each person we encounter is precious in God’s eyes!
So true, Glenda. To see others as we believe God sees them.
Ah! This evokes many memories of dear souls who have come into and gone from my life now. I remember you sharing with me Karen about your friend Vivian. Thank God I too am guided to be friends, share what I can, give hugs, share in prayer, love and financial support when able to and to also know when to retreat and let go and let God take over when I am incapable because of my own family or personal needs. My prayers for their well being and guidance is always ongoing …….. and I stay open to giving support when called to. Just today I have agreed to be a coach for a beautiful disabled woman who asked me to be in touch to keep her accountable for her next attempt at stopping sugar from her diet and eating healthier to get rid of candida and lose weight! I met her yesterday at a Conference and we really enjoyed chatting and sharing our faith stories! It is an honor to feel the guidance and stengths flowing through me from The Divine. I say this with humility and sincerity knowing that you dear Karen and your faithful readers are similar. We are ONE 🙏🏻.
What a lovely and divine opportunity you have, Kathleen. You will be the ideal accountability partner for this woman, I know it.
Precious story Karen. God calls us to love the unlovely as He has loved us. Thank you. And we need the wisdom to love without owning the other person’s choices! Those boundaries can be a challenge!
Thank you, Carol. I so agree that knowing when and where and how to help is crucial–while at the same time respecting the other person’s choices.
Sooo wise, Karen. All your words are so helpful to those who choose to support and come alongside loved ones in their addiction and feel like they are not making a difference for them. They are. Just by being there as you said. Loving them when they can’t love themselves. Praying with them and for them.
Funny. My blog next week was written before I left town with this same theme in mind! Like minds
So good to hear we are thinking along the same lines. Love you.
Thanks,Karen. Always good to hear your kind and wise words to remind me to reach out to others who may need a friend or just a kindness.
Thanks Roz. Always good to hear from you. I appreciate your support.